My Meltdown

For as wonderful as last weekend was, this weekend was rocky.  Anyone in the horse world knows that our lives are filled with extreme highs and lows and that horses are a very emotional thing.  I know this, and I try to be prepared.  So when my trainer and friend told me she was moving to Tennessee in a few months, I knew I’d be sad, but I thought I’d be able to take it in stride.  I thought I would wake up in a couple of days and be ok with it.  Silly girl.  Like anyone in denial I tried to distract myself and ignore my feelings.  Of course this never works.  On Saturday I spent a lovely day watching a dressage show at a fancy local barn with my cousin, who also rides horses.  The pretty horses prancing around the arena did manage to life my mood, and I looked forward to going home and riding my own pretty horse. 

Our ride started out good.  Savy is so soft and supple at the walk and the trot now, I decided to try a tinsy bit of sitting trot.  Since Savy doesn’t know anything about the sitting trot (and truthfully neither do I) she thought I was going to ask for the canter transition.  And she got really fussy.  Annoyingly fussy.  Since I unintentionally started the transition for the canter, and she was so fussy about it, I had to go ahead and ask for the canter.  Cantering undersaddle is new for Savy.  We’ve only been working on it for the past month, and since the weather has been so crappy I haven’t been consistent in my ridding.  A little bucking during the transition has been normal for her at this point.  It’s a balance/confidence thing and it was getting better.  But this time, she gave me a gigantic,  big f-u buck.  So I sent her forward for a few circles, then brought her back and asked for the transition again.  Each time I asked her reaction got worse, until I actually thought she was going to rear up and buck.  At this point I was very aggravated and annoyed and riding in the worst possible way – emotionally.

After a few minutes of this I called Megan very upset from Savy’s back.  She came out to watch and she immediately noticed that Savy wasn’t being bad and it seemed like there was something wrong.  Being in the mood I was in, I argued.  And I was wrong.  Poor Savannah has a gigantic knot in her back-end, apparently from her fall the other week.   And when I was asking her to sit to start the canter, it hurt.  I now feel like the worlds worst horse mommy.   I ended up crying off and on for the next hour or so at the barn, while Megan diplomatically ignored it.  All the while I kept thinking, who is going to come rescue me when I’m having problems with my horse once Megan is gone, and who is going to comfort me while I’m freaking out.  Just writing that sentence made me cry.  All this came to a head because before I rode, I went to check out our new barn, and to look at her stall, and it just made everything more real. 

I feel like as an adult I should be stronger than this.  Especially since I know this is absolutely the right decision for Megan and her family.  Being this emotional makes me feel selfish, and the last thing I want is to make Megan feel guilty for making the best decision she can.  And I know we’ll still be friends, and that we’ll still talk, and visit, and see each other at horse shows.  And I know Savy will be happy at our new barn and with our new trainer.  And since I know all this, why am I still so sad?

On a light note…I joined a clug 🙂  It’s the Dressage Company and I went to my first meeting last night.  While the meeting’s topic wasn’t very exciting (helmet safety)  I am really looking forward to getting involved and meeting more dressage riders in the area 🙂

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